*sigh*..... Apologies and Excuses

So I've been very MIA and I apologize. I've not felt inspired to write. I've been a little down and feeling kind of couped up in my house. It's not that I don't enjoy my family time or I don't like being home, but when you've lived away for an extended amount of time, it's hard going back. I've also had trouble with the idea of summer where you do "nothing." As a CFer, I feel as though doing "nothing" for an extended amount of time is a waste of my precious time. Being bluntly realistic, and maybe even too fatalistic, but I don't have as much time to kill as my peers. They all have probably a good 20 years on me in the long run, at best, and I find that wasting a few months of "down time" is excessive and extremely frustrating. I cleaned the house one time. Not just dusted here and there. I SCRUBBED floors and made the house shine. I felt like I was actually doing something of value. My summer would have not been so frustrating had I not just been in summer limbo between Spring Quarter and the classes I was going to take in July (which started today). It wasn't enough time to get a job and it was time to repack for my new apartment just as finished unpacking. I, honestly, had fallen into a rut of mild depression. I would cry sometimes because I was so miserable doing nothing.

I had a doctor's appointment this past Tuesday, July 5. It didn't go well. During my rut of sadness and frustration, I neglected most things health-related. Well done, brainiac! So now, not only am I recovering from being upset, I'm not feeling well either. A downward spiral for sure. My doctor looked at my numbers and just flat out asked me... "what happened?" Then the tears began to flow. I just told her everything, about how lonely I was, how my break-up last March has taken a toll on me, how I hated being so bored, how I neglected my meds to be in control of something in my life, etc. etc. etc. With her understanding that these results were self-inflicted and not just me being sick for no reason, I was granted oral antibiotics for 3 weeks instead of IV ones. However, I go back in mid August for a re-test of PFTs. I'm about 85% back on track on everything as of right now. I'm trying, I really am. Habits are hard to break, especially bad ones. I'm also on a pill to make me hungry because my appetite has dropped significantly and I've lost 2lbs over the last few months. Bad bad bad.

I'm getting better though. I'm back in my college town with new and old friends and finally school! As much as I hate my 8am physics class, I feel like I have something worthwhile to do. I have a purpose again and something to keep my mind occupied. TV gets old really fast.

Also exciting, I'm going on a mother-daughter Dallas trip this weekend, Friday-Sunday including Six Flags and shopping! I finally feel like my mom has become more of a friend figure who I can talk to instead of an authority figure and I like that. We get along these days. I like finally being respected.

Sorry for not posting forever. I really would pull up a new post and just stare at the screen, feeling completely unmotivated to type. Even when I had things to say, the words wouldn't come so I just closed the screen.

Things are looking up. After having a very rough spring, and a frustrating summer, I feel there is only good ahead. I have hope, and that's a good thing.

-A

A Christmas gift to myself

Merry Christmas again everyone!! :]

I hope your Christmas was just as fantastic as mine was, filled with the story of Christ, quality time with family and of course, great food.

On a less happy note...
Warning, brutal honesty up ahead. To keep your Christmas cheer intact, read later!
So, I'm frustrated with myself. I fluctuate on being compliant and not. Current status: bad Annie. But my Christmas present to myself is compliance.

It's a gift to myself because if I'm compliant now, I'll still have time for things later in life when I'll really want to still be around. And also for the now. Right now, I sound terrible, coughing too often for my personal comfort. I can barely play soccer. I can hardly sing. I can't lie down without people asking if I'm ok because I'm coughing so much. NOT OK WITH ME. Yet, I did this to myself. So, with roughly 20 days until my next doctor's appointment, I'm challenging myself to be 100% compliant. Not only in meds but also in fitness. I may not run 2 miles every day (although I am still really proud of myself from that day in Dallas), I need to run some and walk some. Mom also got Zumba for the Wii for Christmas and I tried it out with her today. It's really hard, but has great potential to be a serious workout. In an extension of my compliance, I've also upped my Vest time. Instead of 15 minutes once a day (which is surprisingly low), I'm doing 30 minutes at night and 15 minutes in the morning. This is not a suggestion, but an executive decision on my part to change my routine. It's set in stone as far as my compliance goes.

This morning was rough with the pills. Breakfast took a little longer than I anticipated to be ready, so I felt very sick for a few minutes with a handful of pills on an empty stomach. With a few crackers, it was remedied.

I can't decide whether this is going to be difficult or not. So far, it's not really been that hard, but it's been a mind of matter situation. It's so much easier to pop a select few pills and walk away than it is to wait and take them all, but I am getting my mind over the urge to just walk away. So far, so good. I've been 100% compliant so far and I fully intend to keep it that way. I've thought about getting someone to keep me accountable, but knowing myself pretty well (ha!), I know that the person gently reminding me or asking if I've taken everything, every day, would drive me up a wall and I would probably give up and be angry/frustrated about it. So it's just me holding myself accountable to myself and to this blog and to my own personal records.

I can do this.

My goal is to extend the compliant nature past my doctor's appointment of course, and hoping that by that time, things will simply be habit once again and I won't have to do a daily battle with myself!

Finishing up my 30 minutes of evening Vest, about do to my evening Cayston, then making myself a water, taking my evening pills, and then I'm off to bed. I've had a very, Merry Christmas and I hope you have too!

-Annie

"We don't feel pain"

Finally! A good day in college town! I had had a pretty great 7 day break (snow, family, home cooked food, etc.) but yesterday and today were back to the grind, and they turned out pretty great! One day during break, I did a little retail therapy to help lift my spirits. I spent most of it on make-up and other g.irly items (weird, for me) but I'm so glad I did. I will actually put forth the effort in the mornings to make myself look decent! That helps motivate me to get up out of bed after doing TOBI. That, and my new hair dryer. I'm in love. Just look at it! I pretty much leave the little attachment thing on because the stylists use it on my when I get my hair cut and I love it. The shower-head looking thing makes me a little nervous! I'm off-topic now. Yesterday, both of my morning classes let out early. While I normally groan when my 8am gets out early because I just sit in the same building until 10am, I have found that I really enjoy chatting with some of the people who are also in both of my morning classes. They can be pretty entertaining! After my second class let out, I did some homework and waited for the boyfriend to make the drive from home to college. We made a trip to SuperOne (much needed!) and I baked a cake (yummm). While it was cooling, we went to the gym. YES you read right. I finally made it back to the good ol' gym. The boyfriend is helping me with arm muscle building machines so I can gain my arm strength back, and I always work on my legs. However, while I was doing one machine, my knee popped funny. It doesn't hurt unless I put a lot of strain on it, but I was nervous about running. So I ellipticaled (lol) a mile instead of running. I was proud of myself, but disappointed with the time and respiratory results. So...

Today I made it back to the gym! Yayyyy!! 2 days strong and I'm proud of myself. Today I did the treadmill instead of the elliptical machine and I could feel a difference. The pounding of power-walking (I dislike running on a treadmill) definitely loosened some junk up and I was coughing away (much to the worry of nearby joggers). I had a lot of good, productive coughing for the next 20 minutes after that too. Oh, and before the treadmill, I did all of the arm/leg machines again. Got to put weight on me somehow! And I miss my strength from being an athlete.

I was encouraged by Lauren's post (Read here), but I haven't yet had the time in my day to add in extra miles. With adding all of the weight work too, and working with a partner, it takes up a lot of time. That's not a complaint, but when I have the time, I'll definitely up the distance. It may be some serious power-walking, but it helped! Baby steps....

So the boyfriend has put himself on a diet. Using my amazing new Kines knowledge, we have worked out a calorie amount for him to lose weight to, along with working out. So less about the "weight" and more about the "fat", if that makes sense. Anyway, because of our VERY different needs in calorie intake, we've come across some problems that will only get worse with time: how do I feed both of us together?? I need excess calories/sodium/fat and he needs just the opposite! We're trying portion differences if we share something cooked (I eat 2/3; he gets 1/3). He's cutting out most snacking (unless it's healthy/low calorie; and then it's limited) while I eat constantly. Me eating makes him want to eat too. Poor guy... I really do feel badly about it, but there's nothing either of us can do right now. I need to gain weight and he's trying to shave it off. I'm the one who is really pushing the gym right now, and I know he'll always go if I go. So go we shall!!

Oh, and the gym. So two days now, and there's only one part of my body that hurts: my hands. I'm building my calluses back and they HURT!!! Working out was so painful today, but mostly in my hands! Oh well. Another day at the gym with the phrases "We don't feel pain" and "I ha.te you Chase Wooten" running through my head.

Time to explain. Chase Wooten was one of my keeper trainers/off-campus soccer coach/soccer camp keeper coach over the last 8+ years of my life. He was the only trainer I've ever had who I actually wanted to keep pushing myself for. He was a great motivator and a hilarious guy. (Oh! I'm saying "was" because I'm "retired" and he moved away.) If the training started to hurt, "Nope, we don't feel pain. Let's go." I don't think I've ever pushed myself harder than when working for Chase. He made training so much fun with his dry sarcasm and comments that made me laugh and want to do better. So, I personally adopted the phrase "We don't feel pain" as my workout slogan for when I don't think I can lift another weight or take another step. And I don't actually ha.te Chase, not at all, but that's another thing I would say to him as I worked because it hurt and he was the one pushing me. Just another joke to get through the pain.

So, if I was a great author like Betsy, CG, Ronnie/Mandi, or Lauren, I would end this post in a cute way, tying in "we don't feel pain" to some metaphor of life. But I'm not, so I'm just going to end it with this: tomorrow morning, I dye my hair. Goodbye brown. Hello red.

-Andrea

Bah, Who Needs Sleep??

Obviously I don't. A dear friend had her 18th birthday party at her grandparents lakehouse last night. Let me just say that we were still up chatting at 5:30 the next morning. It was wonderful. We, all 7 of us, had a fun time gabbing about boys, school, and just life in general. The things you learn playing "I've Never...".....

Anyway, late that morning, after we had slept a few hours and had gotten back up, I ran out to my car where I had left my purse. Inside it was a pill bottle *FILLED* with my morning meds and some advil for my sinus headaches. It was odd. I mean, I always take a handful of pills each morning, and sometimes around friends, but this time is was different. Every person there knew there is something "wrong" medically with me, but that's not why it was different. Almost as if they had planned it out the night before, when I took my pills, 2 other people went and got their morning dosage and took it with me. Sure, I single-handedly take more than the two of them combined, but I wasn't alone. It was a nice feeling. A feeling long overdue.

So, over these fews posts someone may have gotten a glimpse into my life that may have been hidden from them before. I was not hiding it intentionally. For years, yes, I was. But can you blame me? I did not personally know a SINGLE PERSON with CF besides me until this past January. As far as I could tell, I was the lone-cystic in Shreveport. Sad, right? Yeah. It was. But I'm not alone, but at the same time I am. However, that is another post for another day.

The feeling of loneliness is a hard feeling to shake and is usually perpetual. Once you feel you are alone, you will continue to convince yourself that you are. Think of something about yourself that is a major part of you (your race, your religion, your gender, etc.). Now imagine you live in a world that you are the *only one* like that. People can sympathize that you're alone or that you go through things that no one else does, but they can't truly understand. Welcome to my world.

It's not so bad most of the time. I am extremely healthy in comparison. Of course, every CF case is different. My first hospitalization (after my young'un years) was in 7th grade. That was something the nurses just couldn't believe. I was told to be the "CF Poster Child." Great. Yeah. Sure. Ok. That's really how I want to be remembered. NO THANKS.

I am very healthy, even for 'normal' people. And really, if you learn to be compliant with medicines and the daily routine of different nebulizers and machines, it's not too hard to be a cystic. Compliance is the key.

I'll post more in depth in upcoming posts, I promise. More about my actual experiences and life. Heck, I'll even post a "Day in the Life" kinda thing. But right now, Chemistry is calling my name and it doesn't sound too happy with me... remember, I'm a 'normal' kid too!

Have a good one. :]

-Andrea