Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Luke 12:25-26

Monday, July 11, 2011

*sigh*..... Apologies and Excuses

So I've been very MIA and I apologize. I've not felt inspired to write. I've been a little down and feeling kind of couped up in my house. It's not that I don't enjoy my family time or I don't like being home, but when you've lived away for an extended amount of time, it's hard going back. I've also had trouble with the idea of summer where you do "nothing." As a CFer, I feel as though doing "nothing" for an extended amount of time is a waste of my precious time. Being bluntly realistic, and maybe even too fatalistic, but I don't have as much time to kill as my peers. They all have probably a good 20 years on me in the long run, at best, and I find that wasting a few months of "down time" is excessive and extremely frustrating. I cleaned the house one time. Not just dusted here and there. I SCRUBBED floors and made the house shine. I felt like I was actually doing something of value. My summer would have not been so frustrating had I not just been in summer limbo between Spring Quarter and the classes I was going to take in July (which started today). It wasn't enough time to get a job and it was time to repack for my new apartment just as finished unpacking. I, honestly, had fallen into a rut of mild depression. I would cry sometimes because I was so miserable doing nothing.

I had a doctor's appointment this past Tuesday, July 5. It didn't go well. During my rut of sadness and frustration, I neglected most things health-related. Well done, brainiac! So now, not only am I recovering from being upset, I'm not feeling well either. A downward spiral for sure. My doctor looked at my numbers and just flat out asked me... "what happened?" Then the tears began to flow. I just told her everything, about how lonely I was, how my break-up last March has taken a toll on me, how I hated being so bored, how I neglected my meds to be in control of something in my life, etc. etc. etc. With her understanding that these results were self-inflicted and not just me being sick for no reason, I was granted oral antibiotics for 3 weeks instead of IV ones. However, I go back in mid August for a re-test of PFTs. I'm about 85% back on track on everything as of right now. I'm trying, I really am. Habits are hard to break, especially bad ones. I'm also on a pill to make me hungry because my appetite has dropped significantly and I've lost 2lbs over the last few months. Bad bad bad.

I'm getting better though. I'm back in my college town with new and old friends and finally school! As much as I hate my 8am physics class, I feel like I have something worthwhile to do. I have a purpose again and something to keep my mind occupied. TV gets old really fast.

Also exciting, I'm going on a mother-daughter Dallas trip this weekend, Friday-Sunday including Six Flags and shopping! I finally feel like my mom has become more of a friend figure who I can talk to instead of an authority figure and I like that. We get along these days. I like finally being respected.

Sorry for not posting forever. I really would pull up a new post and just stare at the screen, feeling completely unmotivated to type. Even when I had things to say, the words wouldn't come so I just closed the screen.

Things are looking up. After having a very rough spring, and a frustrating summer, I feel there is only good ahead. I have hope, and that's a good thing.


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