(Un)Happy Post # 100!

I was hoping my 100th post would be a happy one. Part of it is! We'll start with the good stuff.

My sis-in-law who's been preggers just found out what she's having today... A !!!!! So I'll get to add a niece to the nephew I already have. That was definitely the highlight of my day.

I've also been drinking a lot more water lately. I'm a Dr. Pepper addict (and proud of it) and I've been chain-drinking for the past few weeks. Friday night I realized I was really really dehydrated. So for 3 1/2 days straight, I drank nothing but water, with surprisingly few negative side-effects. After those 3 1/2 days, I've only had 1 can of Dr. Pepper each day. And it's slowly consumed, unlike the last few weeks when I would finish 2 or 3 in under 2 hours, easily.

However, these rough 3 weeks have really been hard on me. I realized today I'm depressed. Not the diagnosable depression, but just down. I can't eat, I fight with the boyfriend, and I've lost the will to fight CF. I go through stages like this so I'm not too worried about it. But here's what I've contributed it to: I'm homesick, I'm mad that I'm homesick, I feel sick in general, I'm mad I feel sick, I'm stressed, I'm tired, the weather is depressing, I feel like I'm caught in a circle of bad health I can't get out of. Tuesday, I couldn't walk without getting winded. I really felt I was going to die on the couch. Because I feel this way, I don't feel like I can't get back to the physical health I was at. The feeling of hopelessness leads me to stop fighting CF. So when I stop pushing back, I feel even worse. Then I get mad because I h.ate feeling sick. And the cycle continues. UGGHHH!!!

I need it to get pretty outside so I will at least be happier in general, but it is suppose to SNOW tomorrow night. Here in the south, it's not pretty snow. It's gross. Really gross. It doesn't stick. It just makes everything soggy and heavy. I want it to be warm again! When it's a nice warm, sunny day, we all feel a little bit better. I having to bundle up to walk to the gym just to take it all off when I get there. And then I have to find a place to store my clothes while I workout and put them back on before walking back out. It's really annoying, to be honest. And I'm back to seriously hating running again. Did you know that jogging/running is the most ha.ted form of exercise in America?? At least I'm not alone in my hatred. I wouldn't mind just doing weight/flexibility training, but we've been over this: I need cardio too....

I tried the 5 hour energy drink this evening. I chose the grape flavour. It tasted like watered down Dymatapp, so I could stomach it. People, IT REALLY WORKS. I'm very much a skeptic on things like this, but 5 hour energy works. I wasn't jittery or hyper. I just felt awake. Normal awake. And alert. Occasionally, while studying, my eyes would get a little droopy. Give it a few seconds, and they were fine again. It was great. And I watched the clock and as the 5 hours ended, I didn't crash and burn. (It ended an hour ago) I got progressively sleepier as the 6th hour dragged on, but it was 11+ pm and I SHOULD be sleepy! I had a very slight headache afterwards, but it's nothing like the caffeine/sinus headaches I get. Do follow the directions though. It says don't take more than 2 a day, with SEVERAL hours in between. So basically, don't OD on 5hr energy drinks, ok?

Oh, and the New Orleans Saints won the Superbowl. :]

That's all. Don't worry. I'll be fine. I just need some time and for this test tomorrow to be done with. Then I'm baking a cake. Or cupcakes or something.

-Annie

Can I be negative for just a sec?

It's not actually that negative, but most of my friends/family will find it that way. I started thinking: I'm almost 19. Double that and I'm at 38. Today the current life expectancy for people with CF is ~35 [Ref.][Ref.][Ref.][Ref.]. That means I'm in my "mid-life"! Shouldn't I buy some fancy sports car and doing crazy and wild things??

Sorry for thinking like that but for me, it's a brutal truth. No, I'm not counting down the days to my 35th birthday, but I do think realistically at the things my friends/family don't want to even let cross their minds. **SPOILER** Wake up people. Odds are pretty good that if a car crash doesn't take me, CF will. And it won't look at my kids when I'm older and think "Oh, what cute kids. I should let her live longer." And then CF just sits in the backseat for 20+ more years. No. Sorry. That's not how this works.

No, I'm not pondering on morbid thoughts. No, it really doesn't bother me. Sure, sometimes but isn't that normal?? But it doesn't right now. It's just something I think about because it's not like I can hide from it. I actually found it slightly amusing that I'm in my "mid-life crisis" about 20 years before everyone else. haha.

Ok. No more thoughts like that for the blog tonight. Sorry for being a debbie downer. lol


-Andrea

Real Stuff updates

Exactly 1 month from today, I will be living in my college town for the first day of Rush. I'm pretty excited. Sometimes I get this wave of nervousness (or dream anxious dreams...) but then the excitement comes back. I think it's pretty cool that the same kid who wasn't really supposed to make it out of the hospital at birth, or live past 3, is going off to college. It's been a really cool road to get here too. Despite having CF, most of my life hasn't been medical. Most of it has been spent playing soccer, going to school, and being with friends doing what "normal" kids do. What a crazy life God has given me. I mean, He gave me life and then threw in this curveball to deal with everyday and yet, He gave me a pretty normal life.

I listened to a sermon on Sunday of a guy in College Station, TX, and he said at one point about his herniated disk problems, "No, I know this isn't a cure, but it will help. And I plan on doing the best I can to be ready for when God does bring that healing for me." Those words really hit me hard. This really applies to any medical problem, but to do everything possible to get better so when God decides to heal you, you've literally done everything possible to get to that point. Wow. That's not me. I get so lazy and tired of doing what I'm supposed to do sometimes that I just do something half-way or not at all. Yes, I know it's destructive. Yes, I know it's hurting others besides me. Yes, I know it's selfish but you try dealing with this everyday for 18+ years, no breaks, no mulligans, no getting actually better. Just keep doing it. (And for those who are in the same position as I am, have you ever skipped stuff? Most likely, yes.) However, with this new freedom of college, I'm going to have to step it up because sometimes it's going to be even harder to stay on top of everything I have to do since I'm managing literally ALL of it now. So this attitude of "do everything I can so I'll be ready" is what I'm trying to grab and hold on to. I know there will be times when I'm shot down completely because I can do everything right and I still get sick or don't feel well. That's like a kick in the stomach for me. I hate that more than anything. But oh well.

Other things.. umm... my high school friends start back 2 weeks from today. Poor kids. I'll be there that day to pick up my yearbook, but not going to class there anymore. :]

Oh! I gained weight. :]]]]]]] I gained the weight I lost after my sinus surgery in March/April. That means I had a very happy doctor's visit recently.

You know what I love? I love seeing my doctors outside of clinic. I went to a movie in the park and saw my nurse practitioner. At work (well this one makes more sense) I see my pulmonologist, my dietitian, my nurse, and once my main CF doctor. It makes my day. I always run up and hug them.

Alright. Time to get moving with my day.

-Andrea